O desabafo

I must say that I'm a phase that I'm trying to learn everything I can in order to become who I think I'm supposed to be. Right now, I feel lost, and have no direction, so I'm trying to understand the world around me so I can see a path.

I have lied when I told you guys Gisela told me not to do the course. It was totally my decision, and basically because I don't know if it was really what I was supposed to do, then maybe the investment would not be that necessary.

Don't think that you are making something wrong, all I needed to know is that whether it's good or bad, whatever will happen I will not be judged by failing, I'll be judged by trying. What I feel right now is basically that I have failed in being myself, and that's why I don't do much... I don't feel good enough and I'm trying to feel good enough to go my way and do something I believe.

In fact, I'm putting way too much love in movies and I know deep inside that it's not the only way to be happy professionaly, but sometimes you have to make a decision and go for it, maybe that was a strategy I was following. But to close your eyes to go towards an objective is difficult 'cause you'll always look on your side and see that there are other options.

What I want today is to be a stronger man, a man pretty much like yourself, so, honestly, don't think that I've rejected you as an example - I simply don't know how to get to you as much as sometimes you don't know how to get to me - honestly, I love this e-mail thing we're having.

I want to be a stronger man, that will have more conviction and blood in his eyes when it comes to conquer his own life, I want to be stronger, more convict, more of a man than I am today, so, that's why I'm thinking about a lot of things. Maybe you just don't see what kind of example you are to me, and probably I don't see how much I want to be like you but either way, I think we're starting to get along and for me it's honestly totally important.

So fact is: I want to be a stronger man, an adult as they say, and have no idea how to - actually, I have some ideas. I just don't want this ideas to seem as an attack to you or mom and more like me trying to be less dependent, less spoiled and again, more of an adult.

And I really feel pressured by you guys to get my life settled as soon as I can, and that, instead of motivating me, freaks me out, because I have never learned how to be independent and got totally the wrong ideas the first time I thought I was a grown up. You know I'm much more sensitive than you, so you don't know how you affect me, but you do, a lot.

Well, let me try to sum up this part: I feel pressured to be a grown up, but I still have no idea how to do it, so sometimes I need more conversation, but I do know that I make it very difficult sometimes. I'm trying and always having ideas and maybe you want to be a part of it so when I come to a decision you'll know that's not a suprise and I'll try to open myself more - probably through e-mail because it's easier and it's working.

And I'm starting to understand that we may not be the father and the son we expected each other to be, but we're a family and we love each other no matter what - so for me it's important to tell you how much I appreciate that you are listening and trying and that although all that we've gone through I love you as a dad, and the person you are, not the money you provided to the family. You have always been heard, considered, never ignored or forgotten and will always be my dad. I'm trying to understand that also and live with that without the past, so I am evoluting and I am making progress.

I don't know if parts didn't make sense or might have offended you someway, it's totally not my intention.

Love
your son
Leo